So, senior year of college was a crappy year. Okay, that word doesn't do it justice. It was a tough year, some good times that I am thankful for. It was hard, and I'm usually always seeking to be optimistic, but some times just sucked. There's some honesty for you, although I still feel not right phrasing in those terms, but how many times can I really perfect my expression? (though I do try)

If I learned from it, I'm all the more thankful, but what if I didn't? Would I still be thankful. I'm thankful that God is still God, God is revealing more of himself to me, and He is always faithful.

I hurt more people than I would have like, unknowingly and unintentionally at times. I wish I could have made decisions, more in the right manner than possibly a different decision. I wish I would have trusted God more and how I felt He was speaking to me at times. But I cannot trust myself, and I'd rather trust what others are saying or feel.

And then this summer in Kenya, which was a breath of fresh air for me, and new found friends that I still have and am so thankful for. People that encourage me and love Jesus, and make me want to be in community with them and seek God.

And then now, I'm here in Korea-- working. It's comfortable here- I'm not the greatest teacher, nor the greatest friend, nor the greatest Korean speaker, nor the greatest Christian-- but I've been working diligently and been resting here, unable to settle mind and be okay with being here and where I am in my faith. Would it be okay for me rest? To not be committed.

Regardless of right or wrong, or the fact that that may not even be the question at hand that matters, here I am.

Unable to utter words and prayers to you because I feel like I am less than wholehearted, God, and at a time I was. You deserve more than that, you need people who won't look back with their hand to the plow.

I love my family. I really do. I care about people's comfort and not being judgmental, not weirding people out-- but being approachable. Jesus, but do I love you more than that? Must I prove that to you? (*edit: do I trust in Your ways and wisdom more than my own?)

Your cross says we don't. But you give us the freedom and the grace to follow You and live in that. But sometimes I'm disillusioned. Sometimes I don't understand. Why if I would chose to follow you, others may not accept that or be able to see you in that? And that's what pains me, I guess. I don't want to have to throw everything off, and sometimes I feel like I have to chose. Even though you have my heart, could I still live in these places and with these people and share in who You are with them?

And meaningless, meaningless--- I feel without your Words, without Your presence.

And I think that nobody can understand how I feel, but maybe that's not true.

Maybe none of us are that special, but You call us your own. But something in me wants to believe otherwise. That we are important, that you have listening ears for your children, that you see something beautiful in each person, and how you long to redeem them to Yourself, and see more of who they are in You.

More of who I am in You.

Yet at the same time, I've known that Your Kingdom and purposes are a worthy calling to live for, worth giving my life away for, and our lives are like mere grains sand in a vastless desert.

Refresh my heart once again

"Hi, Teachuh!"

At my school, there is a student whom I used to teach last semester named Micky. He always brightens my day when I see him during breaktime. We have a 5 minute break between the two 40 minute blocks of classes. So, if you can imagine, an outpouring of 6 classes of first graders at the ring of a bell to check out books, go to the bathroom, and wander the hallway. It's pretty packed, but nonetheless, Micky, spots me from afar pushing out the crowded door with his hand straight up in the air saying, "Hi Teachuh!" =)