Why I don't like movies...

After watching a Korean Drama tonight,
I realize why I do not like movies that much.
Because I get so engulfed in the movie and emotions.
It is really emotionally and mentally draining for me.

And I know I am so easily influenced by media.
I have seen significant differences in my life from what I watch and listen to.

But if you can watch this stuff and set your self apart,
more power to you.

It's always easy to ride off people in a stereotype.
It's already predetermined and packaged, ready to use.

But to look at people as people, like a friend.
To look deeper than the surface and appearance.
When you get to know them, and their desires, and the deeper sides of them, their humor, the things they love and that they don't-- they become more real.
And you cannot ride them off.

For all the stereotypes I have and the way I have passed people off as one, I apologize.
Because when they become real, we can't do that anymore.
I think stereotypes are just an easy way out to deal with people sometimes.
They're just like "this" and I am not gonna deal with them.

But when it comes down to it, maybe they are not so different from us or our friends and families. Sure, they have their inconsistencies and flaws, but don't we all.

Well, I know I had that moment today, then only to look inside myself.

And what did I find? Someone not too different. And a reminder to look inside a person's heart-- the way that God does.

Fall

Autumn is my new favorite season. There is just something about it I like. The cool breeze in the air, the falling of the leaves. It reminds me of starting brand new. Ironic, eh?



Or maybe not so much.

Have you ever thought of dying as something beautiful? I think in our culture-- that's rarely the case. In other cultures, it is something natural and not avoided. In the US, we take every last measure to prevent it.

Anyway, looking at the leaves today. It was breathtaking. I remember walking through Soreaksan National Park in Korea and seeing the foilage. Today, I was walking through my neighborhood park-- 5 minutes away. And it was incredibly beautiful.

It reminds me of dying to ourselves and living for Christ. And at through this last season, it has been something really painful and hard for me. But looking at the leaves, remembering the beauty of His grace and redemption, redeeming us to Himself-- becoming free to be who He has created me to be as His daughter.

My prayer for this season: He must become greater, I must become less. Not by my power, nor strength but by His Spirit. I want him to refine me, purify my heart-- so, I can be used by Him, and I'm hanging on the promise that He will not let me go and that He knows what is best for me.

My selfishness, even my tears are selfish. To let that go. You really care about the condition of my heart and you see my motives. May I live for something greater than myself.

Give me eyes to see. Touch my eyes again-- to see as yours do.

The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But it if dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life with lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant will be.

So, senior year of college was a crappy year. Okay, that word doesn't do it justice. It was a tough year, some good times that I am thankful for. It was hard, and I'm usually always seeking to be optimistic, but some times just sucked. There's some honesty for you, although I still feel not right phrasing in those terms, but how many times can I really perfect my expression? (though I do try)

If I learned from it, I'm all the more thankful, but what if I didn't? Would I still be thankful. I'm thankful that God is still God, God is revealing more of himself to me, and He is always faithful.

I hurt more people than I would have like, unknowingly and unintentionally at times. I wish I could have made decisions, more in the right manner than possibly a different decision. I wish I would have trusted God more and how I felt He was speaking to me at times. But I cannot trust myself, and I'd rather trust what others are saying or feel.

And then this summer in Kenya, which was a breath of fresh air for me, and new found friends that I still have and am so thankful for. People that encourage me and love Jesus, and make me want to be in community with them and seek God.

And then now, I'm here in Korea-- working. It's comfortable here- I'm not the greatest teacher, nor the greatest friend, nor the greatest Korean speaker, nor the greatest Christian-- but I've been working diligently and been resting here, unable to settle mind and be okay with being here and where I am in my faith. Would it be okay for me rest? To not be committed.

Regardless of right or wrong, or the fact that that may not even be the question at hand that matters, here I am.

Unable to utter words and prayers to you because I feel like I am less than wholehearted, God, and at a time I was. You deserve more than that, you need people who won't look back with their hand to the plow.

I love my family. I really do. I care about people's comfort and not being judgmental, not weirding people out-- but being approachable. Jesus, but do I love you more than that? Must I prove that to you? (*edit: do I trust in Your ways and wisdom more than my own?)

Your cross says we don't. But you give us the freedom and the grace to follow You and live in that. But sometimes I'm disillusioned. Sometimes I don't understand. Why if I would chose to follow you, others may not accept that or be able to see you in that? And that's what pains me, I guess. I don't want to have to throw everything off, and sometimes I feel like I have to chose. Even though you have my heart, could I still live in these places and with these people and share in who You are with them?

And meaningless, meaningless--- I feel without your Words, without Your presence.

And I think that nobody can understand how I feel, but maybe that's not true.

Maybe none of us are that special, but You call us your own. But something in me wants to believe otherwise. That we are important, that you have listening ears for your children, that you see something beautiful in each person, and how you long to redeem them to Yourself, and see more of who they are in You.

More of who I am in You.

Yet at the same time, I've known that Your Kingdom and purposes are a worthy calling to live for, worth giving my life away for, and our lives are like mere grains sand in a vastless desert.

Refresh my heart once again

"Hi, Teachuh!"

At my school, there is a student whom I used to teach last semester named Micky. He always brightens my day when I see him during breaktime. We have a 5 minute break between the two 40 minute blocks of classes. So, if you can imagine, an outpouring of 6 classes of first graders at the ring of a bell to check out books, go to the bathroom, and wander the hallway. It's pretty packed, but nonetheless, Micky, spots me from afar pushing out the crowded door with his hand straight up in the air saying, "Hi Teachuh!" =)

gather my insufficiences, and place them in your hands

The lady that yelled at me for my guitar playing bought me orange juice today. I had one of the best conversations about Jesus being here in Korea with a convenience store worker today. I chatted with some friends randomly back from the US today, and it comforted and encouraged me.

“gather my insufficiencies, and place them in Your hands”

“Grace, grace to all who love the Lord Jesus Christ with an undying love” Amen

Really shown grace today, and I want to live with that undying love.

Look to Jesus.

I guess I figured that one day I would wake up and be grown up




I guess it doesn't work like that.

I feel like that

I feel like that
too.


So what? Someone to resonate with my emotions. A realization that I am human and others go through it too. A thought that maybe, just maybe the world is not just about me and that it's not that big of a deal. Or just I need someone to listen and I just want to get it off my chest. Close my mind. Open my mind. It just is as it as. Look forward. Look back. In the moments and that's all.

A season for everything. A trust of things unseen. An insignificance that I feel not really woth the trouble. A unusual moment of expression and inner reflection.

And what?


To care. To change. Close my mind. Open my mind. It just is as it as. Look forward. Look back. In the moment and that's all.



meaningless. meaningless...



Truth.

And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

Note to self: Staring in the direction of where the bus should be coming from does not make it come faster.

Other words, I need to chill a little and enjoy the moments waiting at the bus stop (or in other contexts that this would apply).

He who has ears, let him hear.

I stood outside of my church today for a good 30-45 minutes.
Watching the many people walk by, foreigners and native Koreans-- hearing a mix of languages.

In particular, I was interested in this one man standing outside.

The church I attend is a huge one in Seoul. Two buildings with multiple floors-- a bookstore, coffeeshop, and multiple worship halls and eating areas.
Therefore, I've seen groups do human rights protests outside of it.
Also, people playing the harmonica and collecting money from the many people passing by, or attempting to at least.


Anyway, back to the man, there was a different person standing outside after I came out of service. I thought of buying him a drink since it was cold out.

Then, there was a cart selling ho-duk, and I, very hungry by that point, bought a snack. Then, I stood contemplating what I should do next, where I should go that is.

Then, I just stood there for a while, watching this man. Thinking about whether I should try to talk to him. Most people didn't give him a second glance. Most people were buying snacks on the street, talking about what to do after church, and here is this man grumbling and not very happy.

He began to complain that none of these people even would give him anything. And as all of them are buying all these snacks, to even notice him. He was just muttering to himself, half-rhetorically. And even one time put his stick in front of some girls walking. (He was blind, or visually impaired)

And I stood there checking my phone, trying to be inconspicuous. Finally, in an abrupt movement went to go stand in the line again. I bought two snacks, took one (I dont know why-my humanly selfish nature?) and gave one to him. And he was so thankful, and stopped mumbling. And I walked away.

He had a message for us today. About money, lifestyle, what is of importance.

He who has ears, let him hear.

Play Your Cards

I believe that what I do and how I live has a huge impact on those around me. I guess I have been thinking about this idea as maybe blowing myself up to possibly something bigger than I am, and if so, let it be. Because I hope to seek to live onto God firstly, not myself. So, in the end, it's not what it's about.

But, moreover, I guess what I'm really trying to say is that: I want to be a person of influence-- in word and deed.


"Play the cards you've been handed."

Long School Day

I feel like today is one of the longest days in a long time.
We have Winter Intensive right now at school, so I'm here from 9am-8pm.

Kids are so funny.

The second and third graders are so fun and great to teach.
Because they listen and engage, not so much in the rebellious stage-- well, some of them. They like to hide in my classroom in different places trying to scare me when I can see their bright green jacket from afar. Or them chasing after me, and them having to practically jog because my steps are bigger than theirs. Also, so easy to please at times, I gave them Halloween pictures to color today (because that's all I had in my file), and they loved it.

I guess it makes it even more endearing because they are speaking this second language. In my First Grade Class, we had multiple new students this week, but in particular one boy who is about a head taller than anyone else in my class. He comes in and one of my student's, who calls himself "Mr. John Lee"* during introductions, has a shocked expression on his face gasping, "Wow. He's very long.."
I almost burst in laughter. Ah, maybe I am the one easily amused. =)

But there is something so wonderful about children-- something I really love. Their wittiness and innocence, and some of them are so impressionable. Sometimes I look at them and wonder who they will become. I already think I'm going to miss them.